Fetishes
by whisper.zed
Summary: Cats. Disney music. OroIta. These are just a few of the fetishes Tobi stubles upon when he was just trying to ask a simple question. Crack. OOCness. All that good stuff. T for language. Oneshot.


**Well, this is just a little oneshot I wrote but never got around to posting. Hope you like it!**

_**Disclaimer! **_**Of course I own Naruto! Why else would I be writing this **_**FAN**_**FICTION? Note the sarcasm. I only own the plot. Oh! I don't own Barbie or Disney either.**

_**Warnings! **_**saucy language, OOCness, suggestive themes, other offensive stuff**

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><p>Zetsu was having a wonderful time watering his gorgeous garden. There wasn't an aphid to be seen or a droopy bloom in sight. Zetsu was chatting with some pansies until-<p>

"Zetsu-san, is Tobi a good boy?" Tobi popped out of the begonias right beside Zetsu.

"_Ah! Tobi!_" Zetsu stumbled back in surprise. "**Try knocking, kid!**" "_What did you want, Tobi?_"

"Does Zetsu-san think that Tobi is a good boy?" Tobi shook some flower petals from his hair.

"**You will be if you leave,**" growled black Zetsu. White Zetsu said, however, "_Shush! Why are you wondering, Tobi?_"

"Tobi is asking _all_ of the members if they think Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi rubbed the back of his head. "So does Zetsu-san think Tobi is a good boy?"

Zetsu fidgeted with his floppy sun hat (how did he pull that off?), "_Er, yes, Tobi, you're a good boy..._" "**Now go pester someone else!**"

"Yes, sir, Zetsu-san!" Tobi saluted then poofed away.

Zetsu sighed, "_He just had to ruin my begonias, didn't he..._" "**Yes.**" "_At least be a bit supportive! It's your garden, too!_" "**It wasn't my idea to start the damned thing!**" "_Gasp!_" White Zetsu tried to stumble back, offended, but it just ended up that they were both sent tumbling onto a pile of garden hoes, what with being attached and all...

"**This is all your fault.**" "_Shut up!_" Zetsu flopped around a bit in hopes of getting up. Sometimes Venus flytrap appendages got on the way...

Tobi scurried back to the base, cackling at the prospect of irking his members. _Who to start off with? _he thought. _I know!_

Deidara was having a good day so far. There was none of that annoying orange ball of energy to keep him from getting entirely engrossed in his work as he was now.

Tobi crept in, trying to sneak up on his sempai. It was considerably easier than it had been every other time he tried it, for everyone's favorite terrorist had cleaned up his room. There were only a few clay stains and burn marks on the carpet, and the walls looked freshly painted. The whole room smelled of Gingerbread Castle Delight candles.

Deidara was finishing the details of a small kitty-cat. He had a closet fetish with the mammal, and was too busy speaking with his sculpture to notice Tobi enter.

"Aww, Cat-chan," Deidara cooed. "Wook at wour cute wittle whiskers, un! And wour widdy-bitty kitty-cat ears! Daw! Wou wook _soooooo_ cute, Cat-chan, un! I could just eat wou up, yeah! Yes I could! Yes I could!" By this point Deidara was nuzzling the sculpture to his face. "Who's the cutest animal in da world, hmm? Wou awe! Wou awe, un!"

Tobi closed the door, right as Deidara turned around to watch his now animated sculpture leap he let leap around the room. "Go, Cat-chan, yeah! Wou awe _soooooo_ cute! Wes wou awe, Cat-chan! Wes wou-" Deidara's eye finally landed on Tobi.

"Hi, Deidara-sempai!" the masked man chirped.

"T-Tobi?" Deidara looked at the man, stunned, face reddening. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM, UN?"

"Oh! Tobi was just wondering if everyone thought he was a good boy," Tobi said.

Deidara continued yelling, "NO, TOBI, YEAH!"

Tobi perked, "So Deidara-sempai thinks Tobi is a good boy?"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!" Deidara's face would put a tomato to shame by now. Whether it was from anger or embarrassment or a combination of the two, the world would never know.

"Okay!" Tobi frolicked out of Deidara's room, just happy he wasn't blown up. "Bye bye, sempai! I'll get you a kitty if I can find one!"

Tobi stepped out of the room broke out in a sprint. He did NOT know Deidara had or even could have that sort of side to him. But more importantly, he wanted to get as far from the fuming blonde as he could before the shock wore off.

Tobi sought the sanctuary of the next room he came upon. Sadly for him, it was Sasori's room who would surly beat Tobi up with his tail.

Tobi rushed into Sasori's room and slammed the door behind him, chest heaving partially in shock, partially in exertion.

Tobi opened up his eyes to see Sasori out of his weird squat traveling puppet. He had the Third, Hiruko, and two other random puppets around a low round table in his room.

That wasn't what caught Tobi off guard, though. It was what was in Sasori's hand that confused him.

See, one hand was controlling his assorted puppets while the other held a...

.

.

.

Teapot?

.

.

.

"Um..." Tobi's eyes were wide under his mask. Sasori seemed to be having a tea party with his favorite puppets.

The bad part was that usually only little girls did that.

The worse part was that the tea set was a hot pink princess Barbie set.

And the worst part was that

.

.

.

They were…

.

.

.

Chipped!

Sasori set the teapot back on the table, "Can I help you, Mr. Tobi-wobykinz- I mean, brat."

Tobi started backing out of the door laughing sheepishly. "Er, Tobi was just wondering if you thought Tobi was a good boy."

"No, brat, I don't think you are. Now, If you'll excuse me, I think Hiruko needs more tea, isn't that right, Hiruko-chan?"

Sasori flicked his fingers and Hiruko nodded.

"O-okay," Tobi slipped out of the room then made a mad dash for the safe place.

First Deidara, but that was somewhat understandable, but Sasori was just... A shutter ran up Tobi's spine and he leaned back on a wall. _Irritating my members has it's disadvantages,_ he thought. _It's scarring disadvantages._

_Wait a second! _The man-child thought. _Hiruko was a girl?_

Tobi sat down against the wall trying to regain his composure to ask the next person. So far good boy: 1, not a good boy: 2.

Tobi slowed down his erratic breathing, concentrating on the rise and fall of his chest, however loud music was distracting him.

It seemed to be coming from Hidan's room!

Tobi poked his head into Hidan's room to see a sight even more disturbing than Sasori's tea party.

To begin with, Hidan was dressed in a skimpy French maid costume. His usually slicked back hair was pulled into pigtails by two large bows.

Worse, Hidan was jumping on his bed which had several large, fluffy, blood caked stuffed animals on it.

The outfit was bad enough, but it didn't come close to the song he was singing into a bottle of shampoo.

He was jerking and twisting around in what seemed to be dancing in a really slutty way. He sang:

"Let's get down to business to defeat the Huns! Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons? You're the saddest bunch I ever met, but you can bet before we're through, mister, I'll make a man out of you! Tranquil as a forest but on fire within once you find your center you are sure to win. You're a spineless, pale pathetic lot and you haven't got a clue. Somehow I'll make a man out of-"

"…"

"…you…" Hidan whispered. He then growled, "Tobi, what the fuck are you doing in my room?"

"Does Hidan-sempai think that Tobi is a good boy?" Tobi brought a finger to his mask cutely.

"NO! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM BEFORE I SACRIFICE YOU TO JASHIN-SAMA!" The obscenities continued from there as Tobi fled the room as if his life depended on in which in this scenario it did. No matter how entertaining the whole thing was to him, Tobi liked his appendages how they were.

In other news, Tobi would never again be able to watch a Disney movie again.

Tobi barged into Kakuzu's room as he contemplated how Hidan would look dressed as Ariel, bra and all.

Turns out, Kakuzu wasn't doing anything completely unpredictable or out of character. Nope, he was just bathing in money.

"..." said Tobi.

"..." said Kakuzu.

"..."

"Can I help you, Tobi?" Kakuzu growled.

Tobi said the first thing that came to mind and blurted it out, "How do you think Hidan would look dressed as a mermaid?"

Kakuzu stared for a long while, blinking slowly, "I'd rather not think about that."

Tobi nodded then finally remembered his quest, "Oh! Does Kakuzu-san think that Tobi is a good boy?"

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed, "Get out of my room."

"But!" Tobi protested.

Kakuzu sent threads shooting out at the other masked man. "You're a bad boy, Tobi! Get out of my room!"

Tobi sulked as the door slammed. Good boy: 1, bad boy: 4. Now he would never be able to use the irritating catchphrase he came up with...

Tobi continued down the hall to find Kisame. He was nice

Tobi barged into Kisame's room. "Kisame-san, is Tobi a good boy?" Tobi called out to the shark-nin, however he was absent from his room. "Kisame-san?"

Tobi looked around the room for the shark but to no prevail. Tobi sighed and leaned against the closet.

Tobi instantly perked. There were murmurs coming from the closet!

I peeked into the closet. There's Kisame!

But, wait!

Why were there candles in his closet?

And why were there pictures in there?

Wait a minute!

.

.

.

Okay, not literally!

But these pictures!

They were... OroIta!

Tobi gasped away, eyes wide. This was almost as bad as Hidan's song/dance routine!

Almost.

But not quite...

Tobi hovered over Kisame to see what the shark was doing.

Tobi suppressed another gasp. Kisame had an Itachi and Orochimaru doll, and he was playing with them like a little girl.

"Would you like a cookie, master?" Itachi was made to say in a high pitch voice.

Orochimaru was made to say in a creepy pedo (like the one he is) voice, "I want more than a cookie, son."

Kisame somehow got the doll to blush as he made it giggle, "Oh, master!"

Kisame proceeded to make the dolls French it up, with sound effects that made Tobi want to faint and wonder why he ever hired the shark to begin with.

Tobi was about to slip from the closet in horror, not realizing he had been hypnotized by the... play...

However, Tobi had an extremely important question to ask. Tobi stuck his head right next to Kisame's. "Is Tobi a good boy?"

"HOLY SHIT!" Kisame jumped, dolls flying, candles being knocked everywhere, luckily just going out instead of catching everything on fire.

"Hi, Kisame-san!" Tobi sang.

"Tobi? The hell?" Tobi couldn't see Kisame in the dark, however he assumed the shark was a brilliant hue of purple.

"Yep," Tobi said. "Tobi was just wondering if Kisame-san thought Tobi was a good boy."

"Er, sure?" Kisame scooted away from Tobi.

"Wha?" Tobi scooted towards the retreating shark. "Why is Kisame-san running away from Tobi?"

"Ehehe!" Kisame laughed nervously, reaching the wall of his closet. "It's just that- WOAH!"

Tobi somehow managed to topple onto his lovely blue superior. "Hehe! Sorry!" Tobi got off his underling but not without noticing something hard in the shark's pants. "Say, Kisame-san, what do you have in your pants?"

"N-none of your business!" Kisame backed into the corner.

_When did Kisame get so weak? _thought Tobi. Tobi asked, "Can I see it?"

"To-Tobi!" Kisame mewled as Tobi crouched above him.

The masked man purred, "It's okay, Kisame-san, it can't be that bad!"

"Get off!" Kisame growled at the man crawling on top of him.

Tobi reached for the waistline of the blue man's pants. Tobi purred in a voice not to be used outside the bedroom, "Now, let's take a look."

"T-Tobi!" Kisame cried. "GET OFF! HELP! ITACHI! HE-mrph!"

Tobi clasped a gloved hand over Kisame's mouth, "Shh!"

Well, let's omit this part for the sake of keeping the rating low and some minds pure. No, Kisame wasn't rapped or anything you sick, sick perverts, but he did manage to lose all of his clothing in the process of Tobi's creeper mode being turned on.

Tobi sat on the nude shark-nin's lap who was wrapped up in Tobi's scarf. Somehow, Kisame was unable to break through the flimsy green cloth, however much his strength was revered. Maybe it had something to do with that seal… "See, Kisame-san, orange and blue do go together!" Tobi cackled evilly on the inside, relishing the torture he put his underling through. Tobi nuzzled Kisame's bare chest as awkwardly as he could.

Tobi was considering going further, but to begin with, this has to stay T-rated and also, the door cracked the slightest, letting artificial light pour through the dark closet.

"Kisame no Danna? Are you in here, un?" a cerulean eye peaked into the closet. The door was instantly flung open, "Oh my god! Tobi, what the-UN!"

Tobi grabbed the young blonde by his shirt, ripping a good bit off like he intended too. As soon as the blonde was thrown on top of Kisame, Tobi made a break for it, not hesitating to seal the closet for his evil reasons.

Tobi stood by the wall where one could hear what was happening in the closet. "Help! Help!" he could hear Deidara scream.

"Calm down, kid! I'm not going to hurt you," Kisame said.

"Shut up!" Deidara said. "Don't touch me, un!"

"Sheesh, settle down."

"No! DANNA! KAKUZU! _ANYONE! _GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Deidara sounded as if were on the verge of an emotional breakdown. _Good lord! Why doesn't Kisame just break down the door?_

"Kisame no Danna! Why don't you break down the door or something?"

"Well, I'm more afraid of Kakuzu than I am of being bored…"

It was silent for a few minutes before Deidara started up again. "HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Itachi just happened to walk passed as Deidara started franticly screaming again. Kiasame wasn't helping too much, "Hey, I'm not that bad, am I?"

"YES! Now keep your damned paws to yourself!"

Itachi blinked a bit, "What's going on?

Tobi decided to not help the situation. He giggled, "I think Kisame-san is raping Deidara-sempai!"

Itachi looked as taken aback by that as someone so stoic could be. Deidara kept on calling out for help. Tobi followed his distant relative back into Kisame's room. Itachi burst open the closet dramatically. _That seal didn't work very well…_

The duo walked in to a slightly more awkward scene than Tobi left. Turns out Kisame _was _trying to rape Deidara…

"Um…" Tobi said.

Itachi blankly looked at the topless blonde in front of him. The poor teen was pinned under a still nude Kisame. Itachi simply closed the door and left to do his business, whatever that business was. "Itachi! I'm gonna kill you, un!"

So, at the end of the day, Tobi was a good boy to two members and a bad boy to the rest. Hell yeah, his catchphrase was in business!

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><p>"So is <em>that<em> why you want to kill Itachi-san, Deidara-sempai?" said Tobi.

Deidara blushed a bit at the memory, "No, but it didn't help, yeah."

"Oh…" said Tobi. "Then was it the time he almost fed you to Zetsu-san?"

"Tobi."

"Yes?"

"If you say another word, I _will_ blow you up, un."

"…" Tobi stared blankly at his sempai/underling before he said, "Another word!"

Deidara glared and simply raised his hand, "KATSU!"

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><p><strong>So, there you have it, my first published oneshot!<strong>

**I felt a little dirty writing the Tobi/Kisame scene, but it was all for the sake of comedy!**

**Okay, so please review or I'll have Tobi come and molest **_**you! **_**Of course I know where you live!**

**If you have any request for another oneshot, just say something and I might write it.**

**Have a wonderful afternoon. I don't care what time it is when you're reading this, just have a nice afternoon. **


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